The Parts of Divorce Most People Aren't Prepared For

In the US, around one-third of first marriages end in divorce, and the rates are even higher for those in their second or third marriages. And while these numbers don't exactly instil confidence, the actual number of divorces is a lot lower than what people expect.

But, sadly, for those experiencing divorce, it can be a really stressful and upsetting period in their life. It's something that will automatically bring a lot of change, upheaval, and sadness to the dissolution of a union you wanted or hoped would last your lifetime.

However, while certain parts of a divorce are more obvious and expected, others aren't. And this is what impacts people. The aspects of divorce that you aren't prepared for or didn't expect. With this in mind, let's take a look.

How Long Divorce Takes

Something that can catch many people out is how long a divorce actually takes. An uncontested divorce in the US, where both parties agree on everything, can take anywhere from three to six months, depending on the state and the court backlog.

In California, there is a mandatory six-month waiting period from the date of service before a divorce can be finalized; however, in New York, an uncontested divorce usually runs three to six months unless there's an issue with paperwork or court delays.

Contested divorces, however, in which there are custody, assets, or support disputes, can run towards a year or longer depending on what is being contested.

And it's this wait time that is exhausting. Things are moving forward quickly, something lingering in the background; it's not a simple one-day and done process.

The Impact on Finances

The settlement or alimony and child support can often take center stage in the divorce in relation to finances. And while these are important aspects there not the only way your finances will be affected.

You're now likely running a household off one income that needs to cover all living expenses, there might still be joint debts that haven't been formally separated, you need to worry about, and then there's health insurance. If you are on your spouse's health insurance or vice versa, then you have 60 days from the divorce date to enroll in COBRA or find alternative coverage before you lose it entirely.

Then there's your retirement funds to think about, too.

Divorce impacts all areas of your finances, not just what you get once the divorce is finalized and understanding this means you can set yourself up for success from the very beginning.

How Divorce Affects Kids

All kids handle things differently, and as parents, you both need to be aware of how they can be affected and the different ways the divorce can manifest in behaviors.

For younger children, this could look like regression in speech or communication, more frequent bed wetting episodes, nightmare or sleep problems. In older children, you might see an increase in poor behavior, a drop in grades, or increasing conflict both at home and with peers.

There's no one right approach or trick to avoiding this; however, both parents being on the same page and keeping things as consistent as possible goes a long way here.

Keeping them out of the divorce is also a good decision here. They don't need to be passing messages or being exposed to negative talk from the other parent, nor should they be forced to do anything they feel uncomfortable with.

And if you can't find this common ground, then you might find working with the courts to have a Guardian ad Litem appointed to represent the best interests of the child beneficial.

The Toll of Legal Decisions

There will always be legal decisions you will end up making when going through a divorce that are unavoidable.

But what you might not understand is the toll of these decisions on your emotional well-being.

From custody agreements to asset division and spousal support, there's a lot of paperwork and legal activity that needs to happen prior to the divorce being finalized.

This is where an experienced attorney for divorce can help make life that little bit easier. They cannot take the burden off you, but they can help make things easier for you, so you don't have to understand the legal framework behind the decisions or manage everything alone. They know exactly what you need and take over to get the right resolution for you.

The Change in Your Social Life

This is something a lot of people expect to happen, but it doesn't make it any easier, especially when friends and family choose sides.

You might find people you once relied upon quietly disappear, or that friends become enemies and start acting maliciously towards you. And it can be extremely hurtful and upsetting.

In the aftermath of a separation or once a divorce comes through, life will look different. Your social life will be completely different, and for many people it can be extremely isolating.

However, it also shows you who is there for you and fighting in your corner. Use these people to lean on, to share the load, and then when you're ready, expand your social circle, making a life for yourself outside of the divorce is the lingering disappointment of those who were there for you

If you wish, you can undergo counselling or get therapy to rebuild your confidence if this has taken a hit, so you're ready to move forward and live life on your own terms without relying on those who haven't been there for you.

What You Lose

It's not always the material things that you lose; divorce is not only a loss of income or division of assets. It's your sense of self, it's your future, your hopes and dreams. Because no one goes into marriage with divorce on the cards.

And the thing is, this can be difficult to realign in the face of a divorce. Because it impacts all areas of your life.

You lose your routine, the life you've been living day in and day out for many years, you lose the life you have built together, the support you once had, the companionship, the love, and for some, your sense of self can also be lost at this point.

Finding who you are and how life moves forward here can take time, it can take work, and finding the answers might take longer than you anticipated, but it's a path worth persisting on.

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