When “Modesty” Masks Misconduct: The Hidden Harm of Purity Culture

Purity culture taught us a lot of things, how to dress, how to act, how to remain “pure.” But one thing it never taught? How to hold men accountable.

Instead, we were taught to cover up, not just our bodies, but their behavior.

And when you’re married to the so-called “nice guy,” it becomes even more confusing. Because no one believes you when you start to call out the uncomfortable things you’ve seen. They just say, “Really? Him?”

But I was there. I saw it all. And this is what purity culture never prepared me for.

💒 The Wedding Incident: “Just Being a Nice Guy”

We were headed to my cousin’s wedding. A normal, joyful event. But he kept poking at me the whole ride there, then complaining I was “no fun” when I didn’t play along.

He got drunk, again, and disappeared. At one point I couldn’t even find him because he was outside doing keg stands with kids who were barely 18 to 21 years old. A 38-year-old man. At my family’s wedding. That alone was inappropriate, but it got worse.

There was a girl (around 19 or 20) who looked uncomfortable. She wasn’t drinking that night, and he kept hovering, asking her if she was okay. She said she was. He asked again. She reassured him. Then he tried to get her to dance with “us.” She politely declined multiple times. Finally, she explained they’d partied the night before and she wasn’t feeling up to it.

But he didn’t stop. He hovered.

Later, when I brought it up, I was told I was overreacting. He’s just a nice guy. He was drunk. He didn’t mean anything by it. He’s friendly. You’re too sensitive.

But I saw it through sober eyes. And that "nice guy" persona? That was the mask. One that allowed him to creep, leer, and flirt in public without consequences because everyone believed his intentions were pure.

🏖️ The Beach Incident: Not Just a Drunk Moment

One fall break, on a beach trip, he got drunk and gave his number to a random girl, so he could buy her alcohol.
She was underage. He was married.
He embarrassed himself and me.

But this was another moment masked with the excuse: “I’m just a nice guy.”

No. He wasn’t.
He was inappropriate.
And purity culture gave him cover.

🎭 The Theater Comment: When He Thinks He’s Being Subtle

Another time, I took my daughter to a high school play she was helping with. One girl (blonde, confident) was performing "Cell Block Tango." I saw her on stage and immediately knew my husband would find her attractive. She wasn’t even the best singer. But as soon as she finished her solo, he leaned over and said, “Wow, she’s a really good singer.”

He thought he was being subtle. But I knew what that comment really meant.
I’d spent years translating that language.

It wasn’t about talent.
It was about attraction.
And she was a high schooler.

👗 When Modesty Becomes a Cover for Lust

I’ll never forget the time we were volunteering at Vacation Bible School. Some high school girls wore shorts, yes, short ones. And I knew he was going to look. Sure enough, he did.

Then he turned around and said, “Do you think their shorts could be any shorter?”

I snapped, “Why were you looking?”

He got defensive. But in that moment, I realized something:

This wasn’t about modesty.
This was about shame.
This was about deflecting his own lack of self-control onto young girls.

And I started to see it everywhere. The passive-aggressive way women, often older, would confront teen girls over their clothes. Not out of spiritual concern, but because they knew their husband’s eyes would linger. Because they’d seen it happen before. Because it was easier to shame a girl than confront a man who couldn’t control himself. Because "boys will be boys" and "men can't help themselves, they are just wired differently".

🚩 The Truth About “Nice Guys” and Purity Culture

Purity culture doesn’t protect women. It protects men who don't want to be held accountable.

And “modesty” isn’t always about morality; it’s often a coping mechanism for women in relationships with men who can't be trusted.

We're told to:

Cover up, because men "can't help it"

Watch what we wear, say, or do, because we might be "tempting"

Be understanding, because “he’s friendly,” “he’s drunk,” “he’s just nice”

But what if the “nice guy” isn’t nice at all, just manipulative, immature, and enabled?

💔 The Burden We’re Tired of Carrying

We’re done being the human shields.
Done being told to dim ourselves so men don’t stumble.
Done with the gaslighting that makes us question our instincts.

Because we saw it.
We lived it.
And we know better now.

"Some women scold girls for what they wear, not out of righteousness, but because they’re married to men who don’t know how to look away."

💬 Final Thoughts

If you've ever felt crazy for noticing the looks, the lingering, the subtle digs and backhanded compliments, you’re not alone.

You’re not jealous.
You’re not paranoid.
You’re just finally telling the truth.

Let’s stop protecting predatory behavior behind religious language. Let’s stop letting “modesty” mean “covering for him.”

And let’s start calling out purity culture for what it really is:
A system that protects lust, shames women, and silences wives who know too much.

Written by Diana Chastain from Nanny to Mommy

Nanny to Mommy